I fall in love with a different actor pretty much every other day. Famous, infamous, dead, alive – I don’t discriminate. What isn’t easy is having actors fall in love with you. You might be absolutely charming, intelligent and ready to take them swiftly to 3rd base, but so often, you just don’t get there.
So, here’s a fail-safe guide to get that delicious, driven and passionate thespian crush of yours to fall for you. And hopefully start fantasising about how creative they would be inside your pants.
1 – Tell them they’ve made the right life choices
Making the decision to give acting a red-hot go is a really brave choice. As much as we don’t like to say it out loud, being an actor usually just means working the coffee machine at a café, doing background roles in car insurance commercials, eating instant noodles and having distant relatives suggest you audition for Neighbours.
Your actor may need some encouragement that the choice they have made is not only valid, but also fucking inspiring. If you can make them feel like they are brave because they struggle to pay rent, go to bed at 3am and don’t know how to do a tax return, you’re one step closer to eternal love.
2 – Read lines with them (but only if they ask you to)
If an actor asks you to help them learn lines, by all means, assist the shit out of them. That being said, if you offer your assistance without being asked first, it will make said actor feel like you don’t believe in their ability.
This will upset the actor. You will then spend the rest of your night stroking their hair, apologising for your mistake and pointing out all your flaws so that they feel better about themselves.
If they have asked you for help with line reading, chances are they’re super scared that they are underprepared for the upcoming audition/play reading/ rehearsal/ filming and you need to reassure them emphatically that it’s going to be okay.
If they are underprepared and they get a bunch of the lines wrong, do not tell them that they made mistakes. Tell them that you really like the casual approach that they took and that their adlib skills are amazing. Then offer to give them a massage, promise them eternal happiness and marry them.
3 – Feed them
I highly recommend that you feed an actor after a really successful audition/show/day on set. Their euphoric feeling of self worth and achievement will only be amplified by a good burger, a delicious mojito and a good pashing in the backseat of your car.
If you are pursuing a vegan actor, I guess instead of a burger you can buy them some parsnips, a pair of hessian pants and a small bird that you rescued at the park. Surely that will do the trick.
4 – Let them sleep
Actors often lie awake at night pondering their life choices, rerunning lines in their head, practicing their Oscar speech and wondering if their agent hates them.
Sleeping is a very sporadic thing for them. Don’t wake an actor or else you’ll be faced with one seriously pissed off thespian. If an actor is sleeping, it’s probably because they need it or because they are too scared to face the hangover that will greet them once they open their eyes.
5 – Compare them to Meryl
YOU: You know, you remind me of Meryl Streep.
The alternative for a male actor is also Meryl Streep.
6 – Let them boast
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get ‘that one part’ or ‘that one gig’? It’s really fucking hard. If your theatrical love interest has just scored the role of their dreams, you have to let them gloat.
Chances are, they don’t want to seem conceited in front of other people so they will be very modest in public. It won’t be until you’re behind closed doors that they will become a triumphant show-off. Take advantage of being alone with the actor. While they continue to relish in their achievement (read: verbally fap off all over the place) slowly undress yourself and see what happens.
7 – Tell them you love them
If anybody is going to appreciate a grandiose romantic gesture, it’s going to be an actor. Buy them something pretty, take them somewhere trendy, quote Gertrude Stein lovingly in their ear and then confess your undying need to breed with them.
If this all seems a bit overwhelming for you, just get them drunk and tell them they’re special. At the very least you’ll get an over-the-clothes romp and a new friend.